genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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