I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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