This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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