WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
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you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
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For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him