Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
