im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I need to align my fucking chakras