Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.