It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
