new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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