So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just want to make out with him forever
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
