i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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