We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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