btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
