i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
