loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
