I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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