in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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