Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
