she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I just gargled with NyQuil
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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