ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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