I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
