well I can't set my house on fire every night
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
