I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
