I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
