True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
