i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
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It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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