Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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