I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
this boner is exhausting
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
