If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
