i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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