So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Randomize
