What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
