I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
