After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
