My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
