I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
