i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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