He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
