I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
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Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀