I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.