Don't make out with my wife yet
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.