Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
