dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
