fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
