where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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