I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
