I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
