I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You ruined the universe
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
