I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
