My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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