fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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