I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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