halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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