his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
