I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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