I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
