I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
