my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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