I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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