I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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