my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
