I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
