I wish you could order shots online.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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