Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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