im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Randomize
